Conan the Destroyer
Not that I ever had particular affection for “Conan the Destroyer,” but I at least enjoyed this PG-rated sequel to John Milius’s “Conan the Barbarian” when I was a kid. Now that I see it as an adult, having seen Milius’s film, I see how silly and ridiculous this film is. While it has some decent production value, everything about it is inferior to Milius’s film, although I will say, at least it is only 102 minutes long, so it doesn’t last too long, even if it feels that way.
Returning as Conan is Arnold Schwarzenegger, and this plays like self-parody, even though it was only made two years after the original film. He and his foolish thief friend, Malak (Tracey Walter), are praying to the God Crom when they are come upon by the queen’s men, and the first fight they are involved in points to everything wrong with this film. Yes, Arnold is a massive specimen and fills out the loin cloth of Robert E. Howard’s creation well, but the writing in this film does him no favors, and the direction by Richard Fleischer, even before you realize it was edited to make an obvious R into a goofy PG, makes the film, from the outset, play like a Monty Python satire on swords and sorcery movies, and I haven’t even mentioned Malak’s “schtick” of swallowing jewels he finds so that they aren’t taken from him that is, well, ugh… Anyhow, this melee leads to Conan and Malak being recruited by Queen Taramis (Sarah Douglas) to take her daughter, Jehnna (Olivia d’Abo), to retrieve a horn for an ancient ritual. Conan, Malak and Jehnna are accompanied by the queen’s loyal guard, Bombaata (Wilt Chamberlain), on the quest, and Conan recruits his good friend Akiro “The Wizard” (Mako, the narrator of both films) to aide them against the sorcery, while also finding an ally in Zula (Grace Jones), a fierce warrior who might come in handy during the fighting ahead.
Milius’s film runs a bit too long for me to love it, but Fleischer’s film feels too long and absurd to really get anything out of it. Basil Poledouris is back as composer, but his music can’t rouse much excitement, and doesn’t really try to with barely any use of the fantastic theme he wrote for the original film. d’Abo is definitely a looker as the princess in her debut, but it’s definitely inappropriate for a 14-year-old to be objectified in this type of film like she is…and I’m not going to lie, she’s pretty terrible in the role. Much better at what she’s given is Grace Jones as Zula. Give me an R-rated version of this with her and Arnold doing some hard-core violent action sequences together, and you seriously have a much better movie than what you get here. Of course, that might require a filmmaker with a better feel for that type of material than the same one who remade “The Jazz Singer” a few years before with Neil Diamond. Robert E. Howard’s creation deserved better, as did Arnold’s portrayal of him.
