Armageddon
So, let me get this straight. Someone at Criterion thought “Armageddon,” Michael Bay’s most definitive exercise in ear-smashing, seizure-enducing entertainment, was worthy of the boutique firm’s definitive DVD treatment. Someone thought The Criterion Collection, whose stable of releases includes superlative discs of the works of Bergman, Kurosawa, Hitchcock, and Truffaut, felt the collection just wouldn’t be complete without Michael Bay’s sledgehammer approach to filmmaking.
Ok, now that that’s out of the way, let’s discuss the film.
It starts off well. The Charlton Heston narration about dinosaurs and meteors. The imagery. The space shuttle destruction. The effects look good.
And then Michael Bay’s basest sensibilities take over. Namely, his particular brand of idiot humor. The wacky old couple who finds the asteroid. The wacky-funny black guy whose dog attacks Godzilla toys, an obvious reference to the Roland Emmerich remake that was poised to be the biggest film of the summer that year.
And then, we get on the oil rig. I suspect this is the kind of crew that resulted in the recent BP oil spill in the Gulf. (After watching Peter Berg’s “Deepwater Horizon,” I regret this line.) Bruce Willis’ Harry is shooting golf balls at protesters. Steve Buscemi is the wacky one (but of course). And Ben Affleck’s A.J. is banging Harry’s daughter Grace (Liv Tyler), resulting in a wacky chase- on a working oil rig- with Harry chasing A.J. with a shotgun. I repeat, with a shotgun. And this is the world’s best drill team? The Earth’s only chance for survival? As Bender would say, we’re boned.
First of all, 18 days? Really? That’s how long it takes to train a bunch of rookie astronauts, who have to be found around the country first, and get them off to the asteroid and back? A bunch of rookies who are sent through a battery of tests (the weightless test, ok; the rest, nope) that seem to have no real purpose other that comic relief. And let’s not forget the demands these idiots ask for, and the one last day of freedom these guys get. One of the generals says it best, “So am I. And I’m not so optimistic. We spend 250 billion dollars a year on defense. And here we are. The fate of the planet is in the hands of a bunch of retards I wouldn’t trust with a potato gun.” I couldn’t have said it better myself.
Say what you will about “Deep Impact,” the other end-of-life asteroid movie of 1998, but at least it felt plausible. There’s not a moment of this I really believe. And honestly, that’s a problem. Movie logic is one thing, but this is ridiculous, and all of this isn’t even an hour in.
And then, there’s the animal cracker scene. Seriously, guys, has anyone ever done this outside of the movies to anything less than hysterical laughter? If anybody else were doing the same thing they were, I gotta say, let ’em fry. Just sayin’. And did I mention that Aerosmith’s ballad is for lead singer Steven’s daughter Liv? Can you say creepy?
As Roger Ebert said in his review, this is perhaps the first movie made up of completely trailer money shots. Michael Bay is a specialist at this type of thing. That doesn’t make him a good director, although he has made a couple of good ones (“The Rock,” “Transformers,” “Bad Boys,” and am I the only one who actually liked “The Island?”). Unfortunately, he’s just as capable as making junk (“Bad Boys II,” “Pearl Harbor,” and the longer “Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen” is thought about, the worse it gets). Ok, all his movies are fundamentally junk, but at its’ best, he’s capable of making rousing entertainment focused on character and story (“The Rock” being the best).
“Armageddon” is his worst. Trevor Rabin’s score tries to engage our patriotism, and it’s certainly rousing, but it’s all noise once the sound effects get going. The effects on Earth are great-looking, but once you get into space, it’s all murky and nonsensical. Bay’s camera is always moving, clearly trying to top “Apollo 13” at its’ own game.
The story doesn’t get any more serious when they get into space. A trip to the Russian space station results is more wacky comic relief with Peter Stormare as a Russian cosmonaut, at least until refueling becomes just another obstacle (’cause you know, nothing can go right on an end-of-world mission). Did I mention that current blockbuster golden boy J.J. Abrams is one of the many, many credited screenwriters on this? It makes you wonder, considering his recent successes (like “Star Trek,” and “Lost,” and “Alias,” and “Mission: Impossible III,” and “Fringe”), how his intelligence and wit didn’t make it into here. I guess, screenplay credit aside, he wasn’t that big of a part of the process.
Watching it fully for the first time in twelve years, there are some genuine moments. Like when the second shuttle is thought to be lost. That moment actually works for me. Willis and co. sell it well. Ok, that’s about the only one. Did I mention that the armadillo has a gun on it, and gravity (or lack thereof aside), it actually fires? Ok, it does come in handy for Affleck and co. when they have to get out of the second shuttle (and yeah, there is some gravity on there, but can’t be enough to fire a gun). As someone says, “Why do you have a gun in space?”
Here’s the thing about popcorn movies. Yes, they’re meant to entertain. But they should also engage an audience beyond spectacle. “Armageddon” doesn’t. It’s an assault on the senses and an insult on the intelligence. After a while, you just get numbed to the whole thing. It’s like watching a painting for 150 minutes- you expect something to happen, to become clearer. But you’re just watching something stay in the same place.
