Laser Mission
I can sum up the 1989 action film, “Laser Mission,” in two words…”Mercenary Man.” This is the title of the song, by David Knopfler (brother of Dire Straights leader Mark), that we hear over…and over…and over throughout “Laser Mission’s” 84 minutes. It’d be interesting to learn why, exactly, the producers of this movie decided to not ask Knopfler for more songs; after all, he’s supposedly responsible for the film’s entire score, although the presets on any given electronic keyboard made during the 1980s should probably get equal billing, since it doesn’t take a whole lot of creativity to come up with any music we hear in this movie.
I first became aware of the film, which was also released under the more-appropriate title, “Soldier of Fortune,” back in 1994 after having seen star Brandon Lee’s final performance in “The Crow,” which remains one of my all-time favorite films. I was so enamored by Lee in that film that, like many others, I sought out the other titles in his too-brief, and unfortunately, terrible, filmmography. Yes, I am part of the population that brought “Laser Mission” back into cinematic consciousness, rather than allowing it to just fade into obscurity, leaving it to be discovered by the crew over at RiffTrax, who last year, released their riffing of the film. For what it’s worth, I am very sorry for the part I played in the film’s resurfacing.
As frequently as the song is used, however, it doesn’t help illuminate anything resembling a story in the film. It does tell us everything we need to know about Lee’s character Michael Gold, a hired gun brought in by the US government to protect, and then locate, Dr. Braun (Ernest Borgnine), whose work in laser technology makes him a target for rogue members of the KGB led by the despicable Col. Kalishnakov (Graham Clark), who kidnap the professor, forcing Gold into a dangerous mission of blowing shit up, all the while teaming up with Alissa (Debi A. Monahan), who claims to be the professor’s daughter, but may have other plans.
I refuse to print the names of the screenwriters and the director of this turdburger; although they deserve any shame this film brings to their names, I wouldn’t do that to any family members who did not disown them after the release of this movie. I will say, however, that I’ve seen amateur films that made more sense; engaged my emotions; and brought me into the narrative considerably more than this film accomplishes. This is the sort of movie that makes your typical Hollywood product look like Shakespeare in comparison. Lee did not deserve to be saddled with such garbage as a cinematic legacy. Still, even with material this lousy, it’s easy to see why Lee was on the verge of stardom when tragedy struck on the set of “The Crow.” True, his Michael Gold is a malicious douchebag, but Brandon was anything but. It’s just too bad that he didn’t have a vehicle to show off his charm until his last one.
