Royal Faceoff
I was first approached to review “Royal Faceoff,” an independent production from Florida filmmaker Stuart M. Pepper, over a year ago. And while I did watch it and give it a mention in my movie review email list, I never did give it a proper review. After a couple more people approached me to review their films for the site, though, I felt it was time to go back and do the same with this film. It’s only right, folks…
…I just wish I had something more positive to write on the film. Now, as a budding independent filmmaker, I understand and appreciate the limitations when you don’t have much money, are dealing with inexperienced actors (boy do I know that…just kidding, my fellow “Unwinnable Hand” actors 🙂 ), and making a movie on the fly in general. But this movie, despite its’ admirable- albeit afterschool special-esque- intentions, is primed for a royal drubbing of “Mystery Science Theatre 3000” proportions. It’s story borders on ridiculous, the performances are, well, rough, and the tone of the film varies wildly from bad teen comedy to, well, there’s not really a way to finish that sentence, ’cause it’s rare to see a movie quite like this in mainstream theatres (even most TV movies fare better than this production). To prepare you for what to expect, the only movies I can think to compare it to are “Time Chasers,” “Manos: The Hands of Fate,” “Red Zone Cuba,” “Hobgoblins,” and “Mitchell”- basically, some of the worst movies ever seen on “MST3K.”
From the opening credits, you know you’re in trouble. Everything about them screams ’80s cheese, from the visuals (bunch of coins falling down a black backdrop) to the music, which sets about the plot well enough, but is like a bad simulation of an ’80s R&B song that is hysterical for a song, one suspects, that is perhaps meant to be taken seriously (although listening to it, it’s hard to believe anyone doing so).
That much can be said about the film in general. The story centers on Diana Arnold, a cute American high schooler whose social studies class (one suspects) is working on a project to show how one person can make a difference in the world (“Pay It Forward,” anyone?), not long after discussing the British Royal Family (don’t ask about segue, folks; it’s strictly for plot purposes). At the same time, her father’s investment banker recommends he invest in gold, and recommends he sees a guy about buying a gold coins. Personally, I’d be shady about dealing with a white guy dressed like a Chinese Scotsman speaking in a horrible accent, but that’s neither here nor there. Anyway, the father becomes interested in coin collecting, and the family discovers in their research that the Queen of England’s face is not just on British currency, but also on the currency of countries under British rule. Diana then decides her project will be to start a worldwide movement to have the Queen’s face removed from all the currency in the countries under her rule.
Where the story goes from there, well, let’s just say there’s much in the way of stereotypes, overarch performances (it’s hard to tell whether it’s bad writing, inexperienced acting, or poor directing that’s to blame for the bad acting, but if my degree in “MST3K”-ology is worth anything, I’d say it’s a healthy dose of all three), a feverish dream sequence with the father acting like Ghandi in his protest over the currency (and what is with the costumes and makeup, people!), and a montage of London done not only in still photographs, but is framed in a TV framing when the rest of the film is in widescreen! All of this spells doom for the viewer in terms of hoping for the best from this film, its’ low-budget origins evident in every frame (admittedly, they’re hard to cover up, but some are more adept at it than others are)…
…of course, as with many “MSTie”-caliber films, that does give the film some degree of entertainment value as you marvel at the sheer ineptitude of the film. What’s unfortunate here, though, is that you don’t have Mike or Joel and the ‘Bots to share in the ribbing. Thankfully for me, though, I have several friends that can substitute nicely for the Satellite of Love crew.
I think my main reason for avoiding a full review of “Royal Faceoff” was the old saw, “If you can’t say anything nice, best to not say anything at all.” I know as a budding filmmaker myself, I wouldn’t want anyone blasting my film, but that’s how it goes sometimes. I don’t know the intentions of the filmmakers in making the film, but as a critic and hopeful filmmaker myself, I wish for them the best in the future, and better luck next time.
